it’s always harder in the beginning. my words stumble and choke, constantly barraged by thoughts of the past weeks, the past months, the past year; the cycle of never-ending life that storms the forefront of my racing mind.

and this last year has been especially hard to take. it wasn’t necessarily that any incidents took place; we are fortunate enough to have fulfilling jobs, a roof over our head, strong support systems, and one fantastical kid. it was literally just one heartbreak after another: the waves came crashing down, the white foam lingering in the space around me. it was easy to sit and observe as the world stopped, me floating in place while the birds hovered ahead. every once in a while I would catch a break and ride the gulf-stream closer to home. everything would seem within reach, yet in reality- life was miles and miles away.

tonight we fly across that same ocean, sommkid gazing out the window, trying to catch a glimpse of the moon and the earth and the stars.

if only I knew how to let go of the control, the constant schedule, the exhausting give to everyone else but me.

I shut my eyes into a hazy dream, the sommelier with his head on my shoulder, sommkid lying in my lap, the spray of her straw-colored hair across my seat. if only I could breathe deeply enough to let it all go….

soon. with all hopes soon.

bonjour, y’all.